When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And then my night got REAL pukey
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
