how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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