I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
