So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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