Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
