If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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