a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize