My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
lol hangovers are for mortals.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
