So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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