You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
