i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize