Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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