She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
