I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
