I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
