Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I licked your asshole in confidence.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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