Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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