I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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