Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
