I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
