I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
