i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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