How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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