Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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