this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
