I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
