I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
