Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
