I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm having to shit out rocks
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
