You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
