If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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