Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
