I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I want a musical about memes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
