I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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