I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
