Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
are you so shy because you have an std?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
