fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
