I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
