hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
