we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize