Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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