my mouth tastes like poor choices
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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