He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
