You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
