The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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