the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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