i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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