apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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