I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
