tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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