Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm going to jail i love you
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
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