I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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