oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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