If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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