Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
