I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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