While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
