there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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