Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
