Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
