I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
